We're leaving this evening for Anderson. Sometimes it seems like such a long difficult thing to go home and other times it feels like we could just hop in the car and be there in no time. Today it feels like the no time time. There are so many things that need to get done before we leave and I'm thankful that I have at least 3 hours between when I get off work and when Jaime gets off work to do them by myself. I work harder when I'm home alone. When my husband is around I get easily distracted for better or worse. Cleaning is one of the things I really look forward to if I ever get a chance to stay at home and raise a child. On my Wednesday's off I've been able to clean almost the entire house and I've found such pleasure in doing so. I want to vacuum every day. Dusting.. maybe that one is not my favorite thing to do but don't you feel so much better when your bed is made and there are those straight vacuum lines in the carpet? Dogs don't help it stay that way. Every evening around 8-9 they start their final run down where they chase each other around the house until they are exhausted and finally ready to go to bed. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if we didn't crate Huxley during the day time. Would they have a similar romp before the great afternoon nap?

The weather forecast for the beach looks sad but not quite grim. What exactly does 30% chance of rain mean when you're at the beach? I'm starting to think that my family vacations are always rainy. Last year's wasn't too rainy but now that I think about it, it did start raining while we were in a boat on the lake. That wasn't very nice at all. Nothing quite beats getting rained out of your tent in the middle of the night though. This time we'll be in a house, not a tent so I guess it couldn't be too bad. As long as we get to try and catch some crabs that's all I care about. And my dogs, I want them to do the whole beach thing. I've been trying to get them psyched up about it but I'm not sure how much they understand so far. We have been practicing walking on a doubler on the leash, you know, where one leash splits and holds two dogs. It's a lot more difficult than the dog whisperer would have you believe.

I think that my parents are concerned that I haven't been going to church on Sundays for the past year. I decided to take a break after being a church pianist for the better part of this decade. Despite participating in mass twice a week (I don't take communion but that's another story) my parents still feel that I need to be part of a congregation. To fellowship with believers. I feel like I've been tiptoeing around this for a while now so I figured I might as well write about it because that helps me "release". I feel confidant saying that I have grown more spiritually this past year apart from church than I ever have in my entire Christian life. There was that time in middle school and high school where I was learning all the great theology of John Calvin, but this beats that.. not by much, but it still beats it. I've been absolutely amazed and inspired by the things I've come to question and understand deeper through this break from church. I am in no way advocating "not going to church". I think that this is a season that I'm going through and I'm going through it for a very good reason.

This past year I've been trying to focus on very very basic beliefs. Perhaps it's that I'm living in Alabama which I believe is more stereotypically "Christian" than South Carolina and perhaps that has a small reason why I'm thinking through the things I'm thinking through. I've just noticed a lot more people are doing and believing things simply because someone else told them to, or because it's just what you do, going to church on Sunday mornings, it's just what you do. I know lots of people are angry with the "church" because there are a lot of Christians out there who don't really act like Christ. That's not my beef at all. In fact, I don't really have a beef. I just don't want to become someone who only believes what she believes because Mom and Dad believe it. I think my church upbringing has been wonderful and I wouldn't change it for the world. I think my parents are loving parents and that the congregation that they belong to, which helped raise me, is a beautiful group of people (minus the strange lady with one glove and the funny hat). Lately, however, I've found myself wanting more. I think it's probably one of those "growing up" things that you have to go through. I could go to a church and sing on Sunday and take notes during the sermon. I could have debates with my husband over theology and I could attend Bible Studies where I discuss my prayer requests. Or I could stay at home and think really really hard about how if I were born in Eastern Europe would I truly believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins, and despite what my upbringing might have me believe, He is the only way to Heaven, that I'll go to Hell because I'd never heard of Him. I know some Christians believe that they were just not "chosen" and that in some strange way it glorifies God to chose some and not others. Heaven, which is it's whole lifetime of discussion. I've spent time pretending I'm an atheist just so I'll know what it would feel like to have no hope of Heaven. To die and simply not exist anymore. Some people believe this just as much as I believe there is a Creator of the universe.
I've thought through a lot of different things and I know I'm not nearly done thinking or making my mind up about any of it yet. I don't understand why gay people can't get married. I really honestly truly don't understand why they can't. As liberal as that might sound, I still think that abortion is killing a baby. It's the issue with homosexuals that has really stirred my religious questions because it seems to me that the Bible says that's wrong. But I don't understand why it's wrong, and I know other Christians can wiggle their way around the Bible and pick and choose what they want out of it. Which then (rabbit trail) led me to think about what I personally wiggle around in the Bible, and what lots of people wiggle around. I just don't know what to do with all this wiggling.
There is an Islamic center just down the road from my house and they put up quotations from Muhammad or the Qur'an. They seem pretty decent. So do the people who believe in the Qur'an rather than our Bible.. are they the ones that are wrong? And what about the Catholics and their other books? They must be wrong because MY Bible doesn't have what theirs does. But do they think that I'm the crazy one? I doubt that my brain would have had the free time to question these things had I been learning about the same things I've been learning about since I was a small girl. (not that there aren't plenty of things to learn about in Christianity, I just want to know more about the things around it)

So many questions! So many things to worry and wonder about.

Right now I'm going to worry about these things. Get your laundry done, clean the kitchen, pack your bags, walk the dogs, feed your husband, get us all in the car, drive home to Mom and Dad (the favorite part of my day, that and when Jaime comes home from work).