So I'm reading Catcher in the Rye and no I haven't finished it because I love lingering in the last few chapters of books. It makes them feel more important to me. Something that Holden said in the book really hit home with me though. He was talking about a speech class he had to take at one of his schools and if the speech giver ever started to rabbit trail the rest of the class had to shout out at him that he was going off topic. The thing that stuck out at me was when Holden said sometimes you have to go off track to find out what's really worth talking about. I am that person all together. I often feel like I have to get my mouth or fingers going before I can talk or type about what my mind is really wanting to say. I wonder what it must be like to be one of those people who can just say the right thing in one go. My husband is one of those people I think. This may be because he's my husband and because he's a guy but those kind of people aren't really the best conversationalists. Sometimes I just want to talk it out, sometimes I just want a conversation that is going around in circles because I enjoy talking so much.
My Dad is like Jaime. Not a big conversationalist. Again, he is a man. Maybe it is a man thing. My mother and I can spend hours on the phone talking and we probably go in circles at least ten times in each conversation but I love that. Not that talking to my father is boring because it isn't a conversation, it's wonderful in it's own way. He's wonderful because he is physically there. And it's his presence that is comforting where my mother has presence but it's her words that show her affection.
Sure I could have this all backwards but I'm pretty sure I got a few things right. I used to get frustrated with this blog because I never felt like I could really get out what I was trying to. I could never really exactly say what I was wanting to say.. I felt like I never even knew what I was trying to say. But I love the process. I love writing what I'm thinking and even though it may be boring and uneventful and it doesn't' update anyone on anything going on in our lives in particularly.. it makes me feel a little more sorted out. A little more organized.

I'm dipping out on half marathon training. I got to my long run of 6 miles and did a great job with it. And then I realized that I always get to this point where I don't really see any change in the way I look (not that I expected it but still) or the way I feel. This week I've started weight lifting again with some friends at my gym. Now that I can feel. And I know deep down that I was really supposed to be doing this in the first place. Running isn't my thing. Well.. long distance running isn't my thing. I think I'd like to keep my weekly runs at 3-4 miles maybe longer if I wanted to. But pushing beyond that only makes me feel more accomplished in something that doesn't' even matter to me. There are plenty of other things that are more important to me, piano, sewing, gardening. Those are things that I can put my energy into and see them develop. Swimming upstream against the 8 mile run that was supposed to happen tomorrow is pointless for me. Sure 8 miles sounds impressive but wouldn't I feel more fulfilled doing something that I love? Wouldn't I feel better when I get a crop of zucchini? (which by the way is looking super peppy and healthy) I've also always felt so much better about my body when I was lifting weights. I felt stronger and more capable. A "I can take on the world" feeling. I never got that while running for more than an hour.
Two weight lifting sessions later I'm sore as can be. My armpits hurt! Who's armpits hurt? But it was so fun while I was doing it and I know that as I continue the pain will go away.

UPDATES: Jaime got his job offer and accepted it. Next month he'll be moving into a new (very fancy) building to work with mice instead of monkeys. He couldn't be more happy. I'm very proud of him and very excited to see where this job will take him. He gets to keep his title of Research Assistant and will be the new lab's manager. I think he is looking forward to being the go-to guy in the lab. The one with all the answers because let's face it.. Jaime has always had all the answers. He's a freaking genius!
I have a solo tomorrow morning at EWTN it will be the Palm Sunday morning mass 7am Easter Time. I'm pretty nervous because it's my first by myself solo, not a duet with someone else. I'm also nervous because he has me singing an alto solo and I'm not an alto. It goes just low enough for me to feel like all I'm doing is breathing out 'deeply'. I'm pretty sure that there are plenty of other alto's in our choir who could sing it just as well as I can but at the same time, I'm thankful that he picked me to do it. I really do love singing. All of this has spurred deep discussions to myself lately of if I did the right thing majoring in Piano in college. All the sudden this one choir director thinks I sing really well and when I tell him that I never had voice lessons I feel inside that maybe.. what if.. what if I did have voice lessons? Would I be a better vocalist than a pianist? Oh choices. Singing may feel very natural and I may feel very beautiful when I do it, but piano is my passion. It may not be as natural and as Jaime once said "you don't KNOW the piano" like some musical geniuses, I can say that I LOVE the piano. And even more than I love the piano I love watching my students learn to love it.
I've had a lot of friends write about their purpose and what they could have been in their blogs. I've read it countless times. And I, myself, feel the same way. If I could tell you how many peers I had at SCGSAH that made it big time. My old roommate who's playing the lead in Sister Act in London, my ex boyfriend who graduated from Eastman. Sometimes I sit back and think.. if I had focused just a little bit harder I could have been where they were. If I practiced a little bit more or if I was more serious about my work I could have been something amazing! This is where my parents would tell me to speak the truth. The truth is that growing up my brother stayed at home to study and while he studied I was out with friends. The truth is that I did very well at Governor's School but I also enjoyed keeping a balance between my social life and my school work. My brother went to the Ivy League and I went to a Southern Baptist College. Speaking the truth would be saying that I was proud of my brother but I was never envious of him. Ivy League is up north and who wants cold weather all the time? Birmingham was green and lush and beautiful and I could picture myself here much more than anywhere else. (Because that's what all parents want to hear, that their daughter picked a school because it was pretty not because of what it offered) I'm sure it offered all the right things, a great piano teacher, a great campus, and my parents said I could have a car my sophomore year.
Speaking the truth would be to say that I never had any intention of going to Eastman or to Rice or Carnegie Mellon. But I have always had every intention of enjoying the life I have. I went into college knowing what I could have been, but also knowing what I wanted to be. I knew that I wanted to teach. I'll never be the world's next Glenn Gould but I would like to appreciate him more. (boy this is turning into quite the rant now isn't it?)
Speaking the truth would also tell you that I'm perfectly happy at EWTN and I'm thrilled to be asked to sing solos because I love singing but I'm not going to let it get to my head and get pipe dreams about what could have been. I'm growing plants outside, and all my turnip greens and mustard greens LOVE me, you can just tell. One of my best friends Lynnora is going to get a fabulous quilt for her wedding in June and it has been one of my greatest joys making it for her. My favorite band at the moment, Muse, played a song.. I think it's United States of Eurasia, and at the end of it is a Chopin piece and you know what? I found it in one of my books and I can play it and it's beautiful. Last night in weight lifting we did a lumber jack move that made me feel so powerful and graceful all in one. Those are the things I love about me. And if going to Governor's School and getting a degree in Piano Performance from Samford were what it took to get here. Then I think I've done pretty well for myself.
My old roommate Lindsay would tell me "Quit your bitchin'" whenever I started complaining about something. I tell myself that often. Who cares what could have been. I care about what's going to be. Namely very large very juicy tomatoes from my garden :)