I was running late this morning so I had to bring my coffee in my DD mug and a zip lock baggie full of cereal. Here I am now trying to type up a blog entry while eating and drinking my breakfast. This may take a while. I'm also trying to get a list written of all the things I have to do today in order to be ready to go to SC tomorrow. Tomorrow! And it's turning out to be quite the list of things to do.
I've been quite inspired by my friend Susan's blog lately. I know that her journal is rather private so I won't put up a link to it. I'm always pleasantly surprised by the things she writes. She can take into account the things that are going on around her and comment on them in such a way that is almost artistic in a way. I feel that no matter what she writes she has a reason to do so, and even if she is criticizing something I've said or done I know that it's not without cause. She's also super rational which helps. And she usually is logical with her thinking which I love. I'm so thankful for her friendship, even though we don't see each other as often as I see others. I'm thankful that she always has an open mind to anything I might tell her or discuss with her. It's been so long since I've had a friend I could openly discuss things with without getting the same generic answers to. She really makes me think, and puts me at ease while I do so.

It's amazing how different my life is now than it was years before when I was in college and in high school. Jaime and I were once having a conversation with some friends and we were discussing religion (because... why not!?). One of them brought up a point about how children and teenagers lack the ability to make certain decisions and of course I'm screwing this whole thing up because of my lack of know-how. But younger people in general are not supposed to have the capacity to make complicated decisions about things, religion being one of them. That's not to say that it's wrong to believe something when you are young, or old, or whenever. It just got the wheels turning in my head about many many things, not just God. What things have I learned when I was young that I simply do not question now because they appear to be a part of me? I've spent some time lately thinking back about my college years, and my high school years, and holy crap, even my middle school years. I changed throughout all of those. I developed in many ways. But what things have I thought my whole life are normal that just might not be?

Recently I accidentally left scuff marks on our new dining room table. Small as they were my husband was very upset. He likes nice things, can you blame him? I had put some plates on the table without something under them to protect the table top, which left the scuffs. I say that I accidentally did this because I simply forgot the science lesson my scientific husband gave me about density and damage. I should have remembered but I didn't and it was my fault. And after we had our argument and our frustrations and our forgiveness time I sat thinking why on earth would I forget something like that? And then I realized, the table I ate off of for almost 20 years of my life never had a table cloth on it, we put glasses down on the table itself. We never used place mats. Of course it was scuffed up, but it was a usable and well loved table. Jaime reminded me that he saw my mother use it as a cutting board. I'm sure we've cut on it. It occurred to me that I viewed the table we have now as that table I grew up with. Something to be used, a utility. I realized also that Jaime did not view that table in that way. He wanted it to be something that we cherished and kept for years to come, in pristine condition. He reminded me of the cherry table my parents had and how well we treated it, kept it covered, protected it. I suddenly realized that instead of focusing on remembering the lesson about density and damage, I could simply view this table as that cherry table my parents had, and that if I viewed our table in that way it would make things a lot easier.

All of that is just an example of what I mentioned above. I had pressed into my head the idea that a kitchen table is there to be used and well loved, like a shabby stuffed animal is. What other things do I view in that way? The past presidential election brought up many of those feelings for me. A year ago I finally found out that I think and believe very different things, politically, than my parents. Probably very different than my brother or sister-in-law too. This was a much easier transition than the table was, believe it or not. I believe there are certain convictions a person feels that make them vote a certain way and obviously the presidential races are always pretty close, so it's impossible to say that one candidate is completely better than another. But I grew up believing that if you are a Christian you must vote Republican. Obviously this tells you that I didn't end up voting Republican at the last election. I know that my parents never told me that Christians have to vote for Republicans. I guess that I just came to that conclusion by watching. And it wasn't just my parents, it's lots of other Christians I grew up with and their families. When I started researching the election and watching the debates I slowly realized that I was seeing parts of a much bigger world than I was aware was out there. All the sudden I realized I was not the only Christian that felt this way. Obviously part of the feeling of living in a bubble is because I live in Alabama, which is a very Republican state.

All of these things are important to growing up right? So back to my original point :) (all this rabbit trailing around is getting me going in circles). What would the world be like if we were all able to, at a certain age, remake choices. I know that this is impossible, it's just a silly idea I have. But what would you choose at the ripe age of 30, or 25, or 68, if you knew that your choice had no consequence. No one would judge you, no one would be disappointed, you wouldn't feel that your choice would be wrong simply because you've been living in nostalgia. Would you still believe in the God you do now? Would you vote differently? Would you still live in the town, country that you live in now? It's amazing how powerful the influence of other people is in our lives isn't it? Some people will live lives that aren't to their fullest simply because of the influence of others. Because they are people pleasers, or because (in my case more often than not) it reminds me of home, when home is an idea of feelings and memories.

So often I view people through a window of my upbringing and my experiences. I'm aware that that is totally normal and that there is no way for me to be me without all these upbringings and experiences. But it impresses upon me so much more the importance of what my friend Susan embodies so well, open mindedness. The more and more I think about these things, the more I realize that I need to be more open minded, the more and more things of my past annoy me. Things that I did in my younger days that I'm not proud of. I wonder how many other people are growing up without thinking through things like this. I remember when I was in college I couldn't find a church home that was enough like the one I left behind in South Carolina. This bugged me to no end! Why was it so difficult for me to simply find a church home in Alabama that fit me exactly where I was then? Why did I strive to recreate a life for myself here in Alabama that was just like South Carolina? Obviously one answer would be because I loved South Carolina, I loved Anderson, I loved my home, my family, the streets I played on, my church, the whole nine yards. But is it impossible to both love and appreciate them while going forward to grasp at a new life? Is it scary to think of changing? Sure. But I think it's even more frightening to think of staying the same.