Changes

When I was in college I had an online journal and I was so good at it. I was really into it. I think that it was easier for me to journal about things that came into my head because I didn't care who read it (hardly anyone knew about it) and I wasn't worried about what people thought of me. I'm still a little bit of the same person but now I worry about the people who read it. I worry who reads and what they will think and if it will change their impression of me. When I was in college the only people I interacted with were my friends and my professors so it didn't really matter what I wrote in my journal. Now that I'm out of college and into my real life I come into contact with so many other people and now that the internet is such a vivacious hit many people can come into contact with me online.

To be completely honest, I'm thrilled that people read my blog. I'm glad that many different people read my blog, I have parents of students, friends from college, my husband, my parents, imaginary internet friends I have yet to meet in real life. People from all over. But the catch is, what if I say something that my parents don't like?! What if I say something that offends one of my online friends? What if people don't approve? That's really the bottom line question. What if they don't approve.

I was reading through some of my old xanga journal entries and I loved reading about how open and honest I was with myself, how transparent I was. I miss that in my journals. One thing that I've always hated, I mean, hated, about people is fakeness (blogspot is telling me that this isn't a word). I think it's ok to hate it when someone is being fake. It's totally different to actually hate someone than to hate their actions. I feel like I've been sort of fake with this journal. I'm not trying to cover anything up but I honestly feel that I've been leaving things out.

I had a conversation with a friend recently about being fake. I was trying to impress upon her the importance of being fully who she really is. We're newish friends so we don't know a whole lot about each other but I know that there is a potential and honestly I'm not going to spend the time on someone who isn't being truthful to me. She likes to do things like say she's fine and then you realize later on that she isn't. So I called her out on it, twice I think, but in a loving way. If you aren't doing fine, I want to know, and I'll still care. I think it worked because the last time I talked to her she told me "Well, no I'm not doing fine but now's not the time to talk about it". I can take that, I can swallow that, go ahead and throw me another.

Point is, I'm being a bit fake myself with my journal and there are parts of me that really long for a place where I can just be me, to let it all out, the good and the bad. Because I've never been a fake person and I've never before been worried about what other people think. So why start now? I'm glad that I could get all this out lol. So if you've gotten bored while reading it, then stop reading :) I say that with a huge smile on my face! What I do mean to say is that although I'll keep updating pictures and grocery lists I think I'll try to make this place more real. More fun to read, more intimate, and more of me. I mean, anyone can write out lists of grocery items right? Or update pictures of their adorable dogs? Or go on cookie sprees for a month? Right?

So here's your warning. If you are nervous about what I just might honestly say then don't read anymore, but if you are really interested in what goes on in the life of Carrie Black then by all means, be my guest :) I always wrote more interesting things when I knew that people were reading anyway.